Once Loved

I wanted to be in love, but I didn’t want to reveal my big secret.

I twirled my finger in your hair as you rested your head no my naked chest. I had fornicated with many women since I was fifteen years old but never before was there anything besides raw sex.  As you draped yourself upon me our skins kissing, I knew that I had fallen, and fallen hard.  You brought calm and joy to my turbulent life, a life that you were only partially privy to.

“Sukh, why are you so quiet?”  You asked me the one time.

“Just thinking about my life, that’s all.”  I replied having very little to say at the time.

“Aha, what about your life?” you persisted.

“Why do you ladies always get so deep and philosophical after a good shag?” I motioned to kiss you but you clearly had no appreciation for my humor.

I honestly had no idea why you got upset.

“Other women! I didn’t expect you to be a virgin Sukh but you don’t have to remind me that I am just another number on your bed post.”  You turned away pulling the sheets with you.

You wrapped the Egyptian cotton sheets around your slender body and stormed out of the bedroom. You went to the bathroom and slammed the door.

I came to the bathroom but you had locked the door. I remember saying “Lisa, come on baby, I didn’t mean anything.  I was joking. Please let me in so we can make up under the hot shower. Besides it’s cold out here.” I stood there caressing the door in the hope that you were standing on the other side, able to feel my affection. All I received for my efforts was the sound of shower pouring down.  I waited in the corridor for a few minutes in hope of an invitation into my bathroom but none came.

Dejected I walked back to my room.  A few months back and I would have been furious at you for your behaviour.  A few months back nothing would have stopped me from breaking down the bathroom door and beating some sense into your stupid head, a few months ago I would have kicked you out onto the street with nothing but the smell of our time together. A few months ago I would never have imagined falling in love with you.

Lisa, when I left that day I left behind many things that matter.

I left behind my calm and joy, my house, all my possessions, but most of all I left you and a large number of unanswered questions.

I’m sorry Lisa, I have been a down right prick to you and you don’t deserve that. I never answered your calls or returned your messages for the last three months. If I have hurt you I am terribly sorry.  If it helps, the moment I walked out the door that day I started hurting. Ironic isn’t it that my name is Sukhraj, the king of happiness but all I seem to have done is cause hurt and pain to you and myself.

I woke up this morning longing to be in your arms and realized that I had to fill in many of the blank spaces that I left in our short yet meaningful relationship.

Let me start by answering the question that you have been asking since that morning of the argument, why I left.

It had nothing to do with our argument. The only thing your tantrum did was give me time to think.

Lisa, I have done a lot of things in my life that I am not proud of, things I wish I could change, but you knew all of this while we were together. You changed me. When I met you I began to respect life and people again. You gave me happiness and never asked why I did everything I did before we met. Thank you for that.

I met you in October last year.  I was angry and drunk out of my mind and you were shy and bored in that club on the corner of St Peter Road.  When I collapsed on your lap at the club you didn’t slap me, nor did you get up and abandon me, you held my face and caressed it at which point you changed me. Six months prior to our meeting something happened which resulted in me being so angry and hateful. It is also the reason I left you that morning.

Lisa I have terminal stomach cancer. It is a gift from my family. It was detected too late and other complications made any attempt at fighting it risky. I accepted it as a death sentence and lost all regard for life. Sleeping around and abusing others was my way of feeling alive for just a little while. When I met you I wanted to live again and bring love and happiness to somebody else, you offered me life.

That night when you gave me your virginity, I didn’t run away because I got what I wanted but because I could not tell you about the cancer. For some stupid reason I thought that I had to hide it from you, I think it helped me to hide the reality from myself. When I looked at you all I saw was a future filled with joy and love. A future I knew I could not have and that is why I ran away because it hurt too much, being happy with you.

I hope that you have moved on and found the love that you deserve. This letter comes to you now that I am dead as part of my wishes stipulated in my last will and testament. That which I kept secret can no longer be hidden.

Thank you for giving me life.

Eternal Love

Sukh.

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